Secret Treasures

In a house, walls are necessary for the protection and safety of those who live within.  In a marriage, walls are oftentimes built by each individual spouse for the same purpose--- to "protect" oneself from the other.  For a time we may think it works for our good, but it will eventually ruin the relationship.  After all, your husband is not your nemesis, and living together with a perceived archenemy is bound to explode with collateral damage.

When God brought Eve to Adam, both were stark naked.  There is a significant point in their nakedness in that it is the ultimate picture of intimacy between God and man, and man to woman.  The nakedness is not so much about the physical absence of clothing as it is about being open and vulnerable, 'unprotected', if you may, to one another.  Sin brings in the "fig leaves" in any relationship and these leaves are what we use to cover ourselves.  In every marriage, this principle holds true.  Sin builds a wall in our relationship.   Pride keeps it up.

There is a way to break down the walls, and it is always easier to do so when they haven't yet gone too high.  Your tool for destroying the wall? Humility.  How does that look like?  

It looks like a sincere admission of fault (because it always takes two to tango and it takes two to fight).  It looks like a heartfelt apology for the wrongdoing done without pointing fingers, not even once.  It looks like a verbalized "I am sorry" and an open heart to receive a direct confrontation without being defensive.  When your husband tells you why he got upset with you, accept what he has to say without shifting the blame.  Do your best to see from his point of view and to gently explain your side.  If your insight is rejected, calm down and be ready to accept any fault misplaced on you.  Trust that the Lord will enlighten your spouse along the way.  In all cases, the bible verse holds true --- "His loving kindness leads us to repentance."  When we approach a conflict with humble kindness, when we choose to love despite being misunderstood, the heart of your husband --- no matter how hard it has become --- will be slowly broken.

Many couples choose to deal with walls by deliberately ignoring its existence.  They go through their married lives acting as if the walls are not there.  They can go on for days without talking to one another, or treat one another by mere diplomacy, and pretend that everything is back to normal.  These actions only reinforce the walls.  Denial does not address the issue and pretending an issue is not hanging above your marriage will only open unwanted doors to your relationship.  

Do not fall into this trap, young wives.  If you must, take him out on a nice date and treat him to a lovely dinner.  In a non-defensive atmosphere, begin by assuring your husband that you love him as much as you did the day you said your I do.  Then proceed to letting him know that you are aware there is an unsettled issue between the two of you.  Offer to be corrected by your spouse --- "Please correct me if I did something that pissed you off."  And in every accusation, try hard to acknowledge that each one may hold true to a certain degree.  Usually, the one that sees the plank in our eye best is the other party.  This is so that we are kept humble in our sight.  We all have our blind spots and the ones who usually witness it are the people closest to us.  We have to allow them to point out our blind spots.

Ladies, I would be the first to say it is not easy.  But the reason why I write these things is because I have done it --- all by the grace of God.  That last line is not meant for religious rhetoric, but is simply the truth of the matter.  There is grace when you humble yourself.  The Lord promised it so --- "He gives grace to the humble, but the proud He resists."  The moment you choose the way of humility, you open yourself to receive the grace of God.  All those actions will only go well when the grace of God is poured out.  He begins to take over every deed done by a humble heart.

If there must be a wall in your marriage, it should be that surrounding you and your husband --- guarding your relationship.  And the only way to strengthen that wall is to refuse to have any other wall in between.

Believe me, keeping that wall up is NEVER WORTH IT.  So kill that pride.