Secret Treasures

So I fell in love with Mr. N, despite all attempts NOT TO before he heard from the Lord.

I could not sleep after that phone call. I fought hard, cried hard, asked the Lord to uproot the feelings from my heart.  I did not want to fall in love at 20 when I can't get married 'til 25!  That's just too long-a-wait!  So I took on a Jacob stance of "I'm not sleeping until You take this feeling out from me, Lord!"  All the while, I just felt the Lord laughing at me.  Seriously.  It was terrible.  I was so downright scared of my feelings. Finally, when I was too tired to say anything more, the Lord whispered in my heart: "If you are to marry him, wouldn't you want to be in love with him??? Or did you prefer a no-feeling kind of marriage?"  I was too tired to argue with the Lord that as soon as I heard that, I fell asleep....quite peacefully, I must say.

Fast forward and there I was in Germany.  Oh, did I mention that it was Nap who sent me my pocket money for the trip --- hence the middle-of-the-night phone call?  He said the Lord had told him to send me pocket money. He answered the Lord by saying, "I'll call her and if she asks me about it, then it's a confirmation."  Obviously, I brought up the subject first (jokingly, of course). And so he sent me the money!  So there I was in Germany and he called me in Germany long distance! So much for trying hard to lose the feelings for him,eh?

When I came back home to the Philippines, I was ready to face two major battles of my senior year --- working on my thesis and getting over my feelings. I later found out that the latter was a fiercer battle to fight than the former.  Mr. N kept calling all the way from Canada, and sometimes asked if I could go online to chat with him. The communication increased even more, until finally, I was so scared he might start feeling something for me too ahead of time.  I then decided to send him an email.  The gist of it was to minimize our communications and only get in touch with each other when the Lord tells us to.  I told him straight that I did not want the enemy to use our friendship against either one of us. I told him that I did not want to end up sharing with him things that were supposedly reserved only for my future spouse, and vice versa.  I assured him that I was doing this out of deep respect for him as my brother in the Lord and that I too respect his future spouse, whoever she was.  He called me a month after that, at Christmas.  He apologized and admitted that the Lord had spoken to him about the same thing too.  So we made a mutual decision to cut off our communications unless clearly prompted by the Lord. The call ended with a "Merry Christmas!" And in my mind I wanted so badly to end it by saying, "I love you." But of course, I had to suppress that urge.  I couldn't let that happen.

The new year came: 2003.  I never thought it would bring a turning point in my life. In January of that year, I got involved with a week-long activity that led me to meet a nice young man, who I got intensely attracted to that time. I kind of felt the feeling was mutual. I found myself wondering if all I'd been hearing from the Lord was wrong and that this was actually the man that I'm supposed to marry.  Somehow, my ideals fit.  I went back to my dorm feeling confused, sorrowful because things did not get clarified between me and that young man before the week ended. There was something, but there seemed to be no spoken direction about it. So I felt hanging.  The moment I opened the door to my room, my cellphone rang. Guess who called.  Napoleon.  After a month of not hearing anything from him.  So much for God talking to me right at my moment of confusion!

Months before summer of 2003, I started to struggle with missing Mr. N. He had kept his end of the deal and had not communicated.  I struggled a lot, missing our phone calls. Then I found the Lord nudging me to write him a letter. I refused. The Lord delved deeper and asked me why.  To make this part of the story short, my issue with love not reciprocated was exposed as well as my fear of rejection.  The Lord took me to the foot of the Cross and showed me that true love has no fears.  He displayed His love while people spat at Him.  He was unashamed to declare His love for us even before we chose to love Him back.  He wrote His love letter (the Bible) to us even though He knew there would be countless times we would simply ignore it!  Talk about rejection and unreciprocated love --- He got it all --- and yet, STILL HE LOVES, unashamedly at that.  I kept weeping and weeping in the vulnerability of my heart and let His love heal me.  I wanted to learn to love that way.  Finally, after hours of learning in the heart True Love from Love Himself, I found the courage to write that letter to Mr. N. I wrote 10 pages of back-to-back yellow pad paper, about what the Lord was showing me through the life of Joseph the dreamer. I fell asleep as I finally allowed myself to say it out loud enough for myself to hear: "I love Nap." Early morning, I got awakened by a phone call ---- from nobody else but Mr. N!

 March of 2003, the Lord dealt with my hidden issues against men. Because of my past incidents of being sexually molested repeatedly, I had developed a mindset that men were just there to use me.  I did not know this until the Lord exposed it.  I saw Nap the same way too. It just came out in my thoughts all too suddenly.  I started believing that Nap only kept his friendship with me because of what I can do for him --- pray for him, prophesy over him, or share my revelations with him, etc.  I started to think that this friendship simply existed for what he can get from me.  The Lord strongly rebuked me for thinking that way and told me that Nap wasn't that kind of a man. Then He led me to the Cross again, and asked me to forgive all the men who used me in the past, whether sexually or not.  There were male friends in my life who I realized only got close to me for what I can do for them in their academics. I had to forgive. It was one of the hardest things to do ever.  It went for hours. Thank God my roommates were gone the whole time!

In retrospect, God was actually preparing me for the last stage of my waiting period. Of course, I never knew that.  Mr. N came home to Cebu for a short summer vacation that year.  We were able to spend time a bit.  I was very consciously aware of my actions towards him, making sure I never flirted or dropped hints.  Some things happened the week before he left though, that made me doubt whether he was really the man I'd marry someday.  Of course, I was truly unprepared for God's surprise.

June of 2003.  June 5, 2003 to be exact.  He called. It was my last semester at UP and I couldn't believe that I was still a student when I got engaged.  Here is how the call went:

Nap: "Hey...I was sitting at this bench in the park where I usually have my time with the Lord. And...you know, I have so many ideals about the kind of girl that I should marry...(silence) and I just laid it all down before Him and said, 'Lord I just want to marry who you want me to marry.' (another silence) And then I heard the Lord clearly say to me as close to audible... He said, "Go home and marry..." (complete silence)"

Me: Uhuh...uhuh..and then...marry who? (I already knew his answer because prior to this call, he had called my mentor to confirm with her if he heard right from the Lord. Of course, my mentor told him that the only way to find out is to call me. She never told him what she knew. Needless to say, she called me right after he hung up and told me herself out of her excitement)

Nap: You guess who.

Me: Marry who?? No way, I am not taking a guess on that one. That's not something to guess about! I wouldn't...

Nap: YOU.

Me: (heart is now doing double flip, and a thousand somersault. After a long silence...)

Nap: Say something, will you?

Me: Are you serious???

Nap: Happy, I'm almost falling off my seat, almost about to pee in my pants or what, and all you're asking is if I'm serious?!?! Of course I'm serious!

Me: (another long silence) I know.

Nap: I know what?

Me: I already knew two years ago.

Nap: What do you mean you already knew two years ago?!?!

And the rest is history.  He makes all things beautiful in His time.  The wait is only worth it if you wait upon the Lord and not in your own strength and ways.