The Feeling of Loss in Your Adjustment Period

I'm going to post below an article from Focus on the Family, which I find very helpful to newly married women. But first, let me give my piece on this. I often tell young women who come for premarital counseling that once you have tied the knot, you have to say farewell to singlehood. One just can't keep thinking single anymore. You have to start seeing yourself as an essential part of your spouse now. The process of transition from single life to married mode is not easy, but I never found the right word to describe it until I read this article --- L O S S.

It does feel like you lost something because you can't be independent any longer, and you can't just do anything you want anytime you want it anymore. However, it is a good kind of loss because you gain so much more. If you are a believer of Christ, you should already know that feeling because it is similar to when you gave your life to Jesus. One must love Jesus above all other loves and even love for self. You must lose yourself in order to GAIN Christ.

Some ladies might easily argue that they don't mind losing themselves if they gain someone perfect like Christ. But husbands are not perfect, so the ultimate question would be, is the loss all worth it? It's amazing how, when you dare to lose a part of yourself, a profound sense of fulfillment begins to surface in your marriage despite your and your husband’s imperfections. It is a mystery to be able to experience perfect joy and contentment despite your flaws and that of your husband’s. Of course, it does not happen overnight. Consistency is a must and when completion of "loss" has been achieved, you will be surprised at the results. Following His prescribed process opens up the doors of your marriage for heaven to flow in. And what is that prescribed process? Lose in order to gain. Selfless giving and service. Putting your spouse above yourself.

Remember that passage in the gospel of John, where Jesus tells them that on His own He can do nothing? Did you think twice about that line? Isn't Jesus part of the Triune God? And isn't He as God as the Father is? Yet, I believe that He stated so clearly His choice to be INTERDEPENDENT with the Father, although He Himself had the same abilities as Abba had. He chose not to be independent of the Father in every way --- "I only do what I see My Father do. I only say what I hear My Father say."

Wives, we, in essence and in so many ways in our family, in our career decisions, in our hobbies, in our interests, CAN actually do without our husbands. But we must be like Jesus, who makes that choice to be interdependent, not independent.

Is it all worth it? Oh yes, it is. The process may not be easy every step of the way. But remember, it's just a process leading to a destination. The latter brings in rewards that make you forget all the 'hell' you went through to get there.

Here's the article I wish to share with you. Be blessed as you take heed!
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Feelings of Doubt and Uncertainty

The adjustment from being single to being married can create feelings of loss and anxiety. Here's how to cope.

by Mitch Temple

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The sudden change that comes after the honeymoon can be one of life's most sobering moments. Some young couples describe this as "being hit in the face with a cold glass of water" or "being struck by lightning."

Others express it this way:

"I feel like I'm on another planet, and I want to go home!"

"I miss being able to do what I want to do, when I want to do it."

And here's a favorite that marriage therapists hear often: "If two becoming one means that I disappear as a person, forget it!"

If you feel like this, don't think you're alone or that your situation is hopeless. The following quotations illustrate the fact that the adjustment period from aloneness to togetherness is often complex:

I figure that the degree of difficulty in combining two lives ranks somewhere between rerouting a hurricane and finding a parking place in downtown Manhattan.—Claire Cloninger

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.—Rita Rudner

Many couples wonder how the blending of two personalities and sets of ambitions, desires, and dreams could ever be expected by a wise and all-knowing God! Trying to adjust from "freedom" to partnership can be difficult and exasperating — but it's a process, not just a destination.

The Feelings are Normal

When we shift from being single to being married, we experience loss. Losing something leaves us feeling sad. But as we grow in our relationship with the person we committed to, the grief can turn to joy and contentment.

It's common for young couples to experience various levels of "buyer's remorse." That was the case with Nicole and Ted. Nicole had waited for many years to find the right man to spend the rest of her life with. At age 33, she met Ted. Within 13 months they were married in her hometown of Atlanta.

Though she was certain Ted was the man God had chosen for her, Nicole missed her independence. Often she felt sad, conflicted, confused — wondering whether she'd made the wrong decision about marriage. She loved Ted and was thankful for him, realizing she couldn't have asked for a better man. But she struggled with having to give up her "alone time" and sense of freedom. After praying, studying the Bible, and getting direction from Christian friends, Nicole began to see that her feelings were normal and that most people experience them. She accepted the responsibility of honoring the relationship God had given her with Ted. Each day she made conscious efforts to enjoy her relationship with her new husband in the fullest sense.

Though she occasionally needed time alone, Nicole learned to think in terms of two instead of one. When tempted to do her own thing at Ted's expense, she resisted. When it would have been easy to plop down on the couch after a hard day's work, she spent time with her husband first. Ted responded in a similar way, and their marriage developed into a bond filled with joy and intimacy.

That's how closeness and biblical oneness develop in marriages in spite of selfish tendencies. Though challenging and often confusing, the transition from independence to interdependence is absolutely vital to your union.

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