"Sex is God's Idea"

A month ago, my husband and I conducted a series of premarital counseling sessions with young married couples. The original plan was only to pass the video teachings on to the couples who would take over our pre-marriage and marriage counseling ministry when we leave for Canada. However, since we knew several more young couples in church who have not gone through these particular sessions, we decided to just invite them in.

The last topic of this series was entitled "Sex is God's Idea". Needless to say, the wives giggled, while the husbands guffawed, and the atmosphere was--- hot. Awkward it may be, but the title is definitely a powerful truth that could be found resisted by our popular mindsets on sex. The church, in general, especially has done a good job of painting a bad picture of sex when the truth is, God did create it and because He did, it is GOOD!

Sin has tainted the beauty of sex. Because most of us got exposed to sexual matters at our young age in the context of sin such as pornography and extramarital sex scenes in movies, our foundational understanding of it has then been one covered with lots of shame and guilt. Other women like myself may have also been sexually molested or abused so that the picture of a man touching us intimately is immediately connected to the idea of being used and abused. Imagine what happens then when such former victims become porn addicts, which is usually the corresponding result! Such experiences cloud the whole sex idea as a shameful, sinful, and dirty kind of pleasure.

This is why God desires for us to walk in purity while we are yet singles. He doesn't want us to enter marriage and find ourselves holding back in shame and guilt when it is time to make love with our God-given spouses. Sexual intimacy in marriage is the time set by God for the man and the woman to be naked without shame, freely expressing their love for one another in privacy, and becoming one.

For those who may have grown up with experiences similar to mine, there is HOPE. There is healing and restoration provided on the Cross of Jesus Christ and from His resurrection, but it is a process. It is also important that your husband knows your background to avoid confusion and misunderstanding when you suddenly feel hurt, rigid or afraid upon feeling his touch on your intimate parts. It is not an easy road, but the journey is worth it. You must determine in your heart to remain in the process of God's healing and renewing of your mind through His Spirit and His Word.

Beloved, believe in your heart that Sex (in marriage) is God's Idea and that like all His other ideas, it is GOOD --- for you, for your husband, for your marriage.

Christmas 2012

A month ago, I had imagined spending our Christmas Eve by the fireplace inside my brother-in-law’s beautiful new home in Cambridge, Ontario, with snow falling outside creating the perfect backdrop of what would be my first (and the kids’ first) White Christmas. In my mind, this would be one of the most close-to-perfect, hollywood-ish Christmas I would ever have in my entire life.

Little did I know what was coming ahead of us.

Everything had happened so fast. Too fast, actually. It is both good and bad. The picture of our situation is insanely both hope-dashing yet faith-provoking. It has taken all of me. And while the year comes to a close, God has chosen quite an unforgettable way of bringing out into the open what is stuffed inside of me. I wouldn’t mind any year end self-examination. It is in fact, a great requisite before stepping into the new year. However, this was one unexpected type of test which challenged not just everything in me, but also everything about me — my marriage, our family life, our financial state, our health, and the ministry.

Without having to share the nonessentials of our situation, allow me to write about the highlights of my Christmas this 2012.

First off on the list would be my marriage. This 29th, my husband and I will be celebrating our 8th wedding anniversary. Today, after all that we have been through and have put up with together, I still cannot imagine being married to someone else. As far as I’m concerned, I have tasted both ends of the vows I spoke eight years ago—the better and the worse, the richer and the poorer, and the sickness and the health. Still, I stand more in love with my husband today and our romance has survived it all and in fact, has grown most deeply during times like these. I think wives who flee during tough times are just missing out on the new romance that gets birthed at the end of the dark tunnels of marriage. Nap’s condition has taught me to love in levels I have never shown before — in patience and long suffering; in gentleness and kindness. At the same time, it has taught me to consider afflictions the way the Bible teaches us to — treat them lightly(“For our light and momentary afflictions are achieving for us an eternal glory that outweighs them all.” 2 Cor. 4:17) and learn to even laugh in spite of ourselves.

The Lord truly has His way of teaching us one-on-one. He so knows how to get personal with us. From the beginning of Nap’s accident to this day, I have felt His hand as if literally guiding my heart to where it should go. He has faithfully taken a hold of my emotions, leading them one step at a time to where they should be. He has trained my mind to contain the kind of thoughts mandated by the Apostle Paul in his letter to the Philippian church — true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy thoughts.

Obedience to God’s word when our covenant is put to the test takes us to True Love. There is no other way to it. Now I understand why Jesus said to His disciples before He was taken for trial, “If you obey My commandments, you will remain in my love.” His is true love and the only way to dwell in it is by obedience to His commands. A lot of people claim to have found true love and merely stated so by gauging the happiness, ecstasies and pleasures they have found with the other person. Love is no truer than when it meets the worst imperfections and the weakest weaknesses and still love by serving. When the normal reaction is blame, I have learned to turn aside from it and instead focus on what’s ahead, rather than dwell on regrets and should have’s. I have been stretched so much in this season of my life that I never knew I could expand this much. I’m glad the Lord took time to show me the increase of my capacity which He had taken time to build.

I boast in the Lord’s commandments when I say that I have learned true love. There have been a few well-meaning people who have shown pity for me because of what has happened. I feel everything but pity for myself. This is one of the huge reasons why I stand in awe of my Jesus. I had been Pity’s #1 fan for years and I used to easily run to it each time bad things happen in my life. I am so grateful I have been completely delivered from its clutches. If anything else, the accident has made me one of the luckiest benificiaries of precious lessons and truths that would never have come to me in rather ordinary circumstances.

Second on the list is the body of Christ. I have always loved the community of believers where God has planted my family and me in, but have never appreciated it as much as I do now. Nothing can contest the truth of the power of corporate prayer. I know when the prayers are going on, and I know when I’m running low on it. I can tell. I feel the flood of little miracles seeping through the crevices of my heart when the prayer levels are going high. If the church only helped by praying, I would already have been super grateful. The body of Christ went an extra mile, however. They went miles beyond the required minimum standard of generosity. They gave exceedingly. They shared abundantly. And they truly ministered to my husband, to my children and me, beyond our imagination. In short, they did not fail to display Christ. It is understandable to receive such support from our own biological families, and indeed without a doubt, we did. Our families on both sides have been generous and supportive all the way. They stood to hold us up during times of exhaustion. They opened their treasuries and gave us access to every financial help we need. For all that, my husband and I are truly blessed beyond words. That’s family life. Our spiritual family exceeded our expectations, though. It is because of the simple reason that none of them had to, and yet by their own volition, they did. Now that is church life. For all those who have been jaded by the existence of the body of Christ through its imperfections and frailties, I stand today as a genuine witness of the believers acting indeed as the body of Christbecause I have seen Christ through them.

Last night, as we gathered around at the dinner table for our traditional noche buena at 12 midnight, my husband led our family in a heart-touching prayer. Its brevity did not miss any of the significant truths that needed to be said. God has been perfectly faithful through and through with us. We look back at what may be our rockiest year since the day of our union, and we see so starkly clear how God’s faithfulness has consistently led us into triumphant procession in Christ. His love has never failed us and we rest, assured much that it never will.

This year’s Christmas celebration was not an anticipated one. Many indeed are the plans of our hearts, but it is God’s purpose that prevails. I don’t fret when my plans fail because I have learned that when they do, God’s divine purpose still prevails. And I prefer the greatness of His purpose over my own little plans.

It is a beautiful irony that the backdrop of a seemingly perfect Christmas I dreamed of turned out to be one marked with much limping, much sleeplessness, much exhaustion, but yes, much 1 Corinthians 13 kind of LOVE. And that, my friends, is the focal point of Christmas — L O V E.

I can’t wait to welcome 2013!

At The Cross: Waiting While Knowing Part 2

So I fell in love with Mr. N, despite all attempts NOT TO before he heard from the Lord.

I could not sleep after that phone call. I fought hard, cried hard, asked the Lord to uproot the feelings from my heart. I did not want to fall in love at 20 when I can't get married 'til 25! That's just too long-a-wait! So I took on a Jacob stance of "I'm not sleeping until You take this feeling out from me, Lord!" All the while, I just felt the Lord laughing at me. Seriously. It was terrible. I was so downright scared of my feelings. Finally, when I was too tired to say anything more, the Lord whispered in my heart: "If you are to marry him, wouldn't you want to be in love with him??? Or did you prefer a no-feeling kind of marriage?" I was too tired to argue with the Lord that as soon as I heard that, I fell asleep....quite peacefully, I must say.

Fast forward and there I was in Germany. Oh, did I mention that it was Nap who sent me my pocket money for the trip --- hence the middle-of-the-night phone call? He said the Lord had told him to send me pocket money. He answered the Lord by saying, "I'll call her and if she asks me about it, then it's a confirmation." Obviously, I brought up the subject first (jokingly, of course). And so he sent me the money! So there I was in Germany and he called me in Germany long distance! So much for trying hard to lose the feelings for him,eh?

When I came back home to the Philippines, I was ready to face two major battles of my senior year --- working on my thesis and getting over my feelings. I later found out that the latter was a fiercer battle to fight than the former. Mr. N kept calling all the way from Canada, and sometimes asked if I could go online to chat with him. The communication increased even more, until finally, I was so scared he might start feeling something for me too ahead of time. I then decided to send him an email. The gist of it was to minimize our communications and only get in touch with each other when the Lord tells us to. I told him straight that I did not want the enemy to use our friendship against either one of us. I told him that I did not want to end up sharing with him things that were supposedly reserved only for my future spouse, and vice versa. I assured him that I was doing this out of deep respect for him as my brother in the Lord and that I too respect his future spouse, whoever she was. He called me a month after that, at Christmas. He apologized and admitted that the Lord had spoken to him about the same thing too. So we made a mutual decision to cut off our communications unless clearly prompted by the Lord. The call ended with a "Merry Christmas!" And in my mind I wanted so badly to end it by saying, "I love you." But of course, I had to suppress that urge. I couldn't let that happen.

The new year came: 2003. I never thought it would bring a turning point in my life. In January of that year, I got involved with a week-long activity that led me to meet a nice young man, who I got intensely attracted to that time. I kind of felt the feeling was mutual. I found myself wondering if all I'd been hearing from the Lord was wrong and that this was actually the man that I'm supposed to marry. Somehow, my ideals fit. I went back to my dorm feeling confused, sorrowful because things did not get clarified between me and that young man before the week ended. There was something, but there seemed to be no spoken direction about it. So I felt hanging. The moment I opened the door to my room, my cellphone rang. Guess who called. Napoleon. After a month of not hearing anything from him. So much for God talking to me right at my moment of confusion!

Months before summer of 2003, I started to struggle with missing Mr. N. He had kept his end of the deal and had not communicated. I struggled a lot, missing our phone calls. Then I found the Lord nudging me to write him a letter. I refused. The Lord delved deeper and asked me why. To make this part of the story short, my issue with love not reciprocated was exposed as well as my fear of rejection. The Lord took me to the foot of the Cross and showed me that true love has no fears. He displayed His love while people spat at Him. He was unashamed to declare His love for us even before we chose to love Him back. He wrote His love letter (the Bible) to us even though He knew there would be countless times we would simply ignore it! Talk about rejection and unreciprocated love --- He got it all --- and yet, STILL HE LOVES, unashamedly at that. I kept weeping and weeping in the vulnerability of my heart and let His love heal me. I wanted to learn to love that way. Finally, after hours of learning in the heart True Love from Love Himself, I found the courage to write that letter to Mr. N. I wrote 10 pages of back-to-back yellow pad paper, about what the Lord was showing me through the life of Joseph the dreamer. I fell asleep as I finally allowed myself to say it out loud enough for myself to hear: "I love Nap." Early morning, I got awakened by a phone call ---- from nobody else but Mr. N!

March of 2003, the Lord dealt with my hidden issues against men. Because of my past incidents of being sexually molested repeatedly, I had developed a mindset that men were just there to use me. I did not know this until the Lord exposed it. I saw Nap the same way too. It just came out in my thoughts all too suddenly. I started believing that Nap only kept his friendship with me because of what I can do for him --- pray for him, prophesy over him, or share my revelations with him, etc. I started to think that this friendship simply existed for what he can get from me. The Lord strongly rebuked me for thinking that way and told me that Nap wasn't that kind of a man. Then He led me to the Cross again, and asked me to forgive all the men who used me in the past, whether sexually or not. There were male friends in my life who I realized only got close to me for what I can do for them in their academics. I had to forgive. It was one of the hardest things to do ever. It went for hours. Thank God my roommates were gone the whole time!

In retrospect, God was actually preparing me for the last stage of my waiting period. Of course, I never knew that. Mr. N came home to Cebu for a short summer vacation that year. We were able to spend time a bit. I was very consciously aware of my actions towards him, making sure I never flirted or dropped hints. Some things happened the week before he left though, that made me doubt whether he was really the man I'd marry someday. Of course, I was truly unprepared for God's surprise.

June of 2003. June 5, 2003 to be exact. He called. It was my last semester at UP and I couldn't believe that I was still a student when I got engaged. Here is how the call went:

Nap: "Hey...I was sitting at this bench in the park where I usually have my time with the Lord. And...you know, I have so many ideals about the kind of girl that I should marry...(silence) and I just laid it all down before Him and said, 'Lord I just want to marry who you want me to marry.' (another silence) And then I heard the Lord clearly say to me as close to audible... He said, "Go home and marry..." (complete silence)"

Me: Uhuh...uhuh..and then...marry who? (I already knew his answer because prior to this call, he had called my mentor to confirm with her if he heard right from the Lord. Of course, my mentor told him that the only way to find out is to call me. She never told him what she knew. Needless to say, she called me right after he hung up and told me herself out of her excitement)

Nap: You guess who.

Me: Marry who?? No way, I am not taking a guess on that one. That's not something to guess about! I wouldn't...

Nap: YOU.

Me: (heart is now doing double flip, and a thousand somersault. After a long silence...)

Nap: Say something, will you?

Me: Are you serious???

Nap: Happy, I'm almost falling off my seat, almost about to pee in my pants or what, and all you're asking is if I'm serious?!?! Of course I'm serious!

Me: (another long silence) I know.

Nap: I know what?

Me: I already knew two years ago.

Nap: What do you mean you already knew two years ago?!?!

And the rest is history. He makes all things beautiful in His time. The wait is only worth it if you wait upon the Lord and not in your own strength and ways.

Waiting While Knowing Part I

One anonymous reader recently posted a comment asking me to share my experience in the waiting season of my life before my husband-then-friend heard from the Lord.

Before I begin, let me put a simple disclaimer here. I do not write this in order to instill in you an expectation for a similar process. I firmly believe that the Lord has reserved a unique love story for each one of us. My story does not have to look like yours, and vice versa. I hope that as you read along, you will mostly see principles beyond the story lines. Principles never change, while story lines may. Please do not make my story the basis of your own process. Do not make make it a standard. Do not even make it a confirmation to your own story. Should you feel that it is (a confirmation), I would like to plainly put out here that it was never my intention to make it look that way. You must sincerely seek the Lord about that.

So here goes.

I planned on getting married at twenty-five. I said my I do's at the age of 22.

I received a strong impression from the Lord during a youth prayer meeting in the summer of 2001 to "pray for Nap because he's not yet the man you're going to marry." I was still 18 at that moment. Well, my initial reaction was neither delight nor sorrow, not even excitement. I actually felt nothing because I 'knew' it was something far in the future, which I had no business to worry about. I did do a little bit of warfare at that time to confirm if that voice I heard was from the Lord or not. Eventually, I felt a witness in my spirit so I settled it with myself. I remember thinking, "Well, if it's from the Lord, great. If not, fine with me." I did not have feelings for Napoleon prior to this revelation, by the way. So it was not hard for me to handle it. At that time, he was in a backslidden state yet, so praying for him was definitely a need with or without the revelation. When the meeting was over, I went to see my mentor that time (our youth pastor) and opened up to her what I felt I received from the Lord. She was surprised herself, but she gave me a word of wisdom: "Keep it to yourself, but pray for him. You won't lose anything praying for him." I also had a covenant sister with me at that time who heard what I told my mentor. Until the day God brought Nap and me together, she had moved in wisdom by keeping it all to herself too. You need those people around you --- your mentor/spiritual father or mother, and then a couple of covenant sisters. Later that summer, before I had to fly back to Manila, I confessed it both to my older sister and another close friend, who was Nap's cousin.

The first semester after that summer, Nap started calling me long distance. Why, I had no idea. I still have no idea up to this day. I once asked him when we were already married, why he started calling me and he just shrugged off and said, "I don't know." So since then, we'd talk over the phone like twice or thrice a week. I was then very careful not to open my heart. I made sure that our conversations were literally all about Jesus. I would only share with him the things that God was teaching and showing me through His Word. If he asked me about my day, I made sure to keep it factual sans the emotions. Nap is five years my senior so I was still calling him 'Kuya', which reminded me all the time that he is a brother in the Lord, not to be taken advantage of.

Pause. Let me share the things that I significantly remember running though my thoughts that time:

"I will never do anything to get him attracted to me. I don't want him to 'fall in love' with me and then 'hear from the Lord' that he's supposed to marry me. I don't want things to go that way. I want him to hear FIRST from the Lord before his feelings for me develop into something deeper than friendship."

"I will NOT drop any hints at all. NO HINTS. No questions that would lead him to thoughts about who he would marry in the future. NO talking about future spouses. No talking about ideal husband/wife. Nothing about that. This friendship will not deal with those stuff UNTIL he hears from the Lord."

I made sure I kept it that way the whole time we were friends, even as he went back to Canada for good. My husband can definitely attest to that.

The first confirmation the Lord stooped down to give me came in July of that year. I had requested from the Lord that if Nap was truly the man I would marry in the future, that He would cause him to turn away from his backslidden life and return to Him as my birthday gift. July came, and I could never forget that the night before my birthday, when my friends from Jesus Revolution took me to the place where I would be sleeping over, I received a text message from my friend in Cebu letting me know that Nap just got done with his deliverance session. He was back with the Lord for good. My heart beat so fast that night, from shock that God actually did what I asked Him to, and from sudden realization that Nap was actually who I would be marrying in the future!

A year after I got the impression from the Lord, I received a vivid dream that was my strongest confirmation from the Lord before the final one. Mind you, in the course of waiting, I was still very much open to the thought that I heard wrong. I was exposed to a lot of young men around my age or a bit older who were also on fire for Jesus, who I could consider to be my 'possible future spouse'. Although I had gotten a clear confirmation from the Lord, I had my own ideals that I could not easily let go. I thought my future husband should also have a heart for Russia because at that time, my heart was weeping for Russia. I wanted to be a missionary to Russia. I thought my husband should be running with Jesus Revolution too since I really expected to be in JRev for a long period of time, even after graduation. However, as I began to seriously seek the Lord concerning my direction after graduation during my senior year, His plans started to unfold before my eyes in a way that was so different from what I had anticipated. My heart started to beat strong for the youth of Cebu.

Then in 2002, that same year I got the dream, a door was opened before me the summer before senior year to go to Germany. Nap called me in the middle of the night, 2 days before our departure for Frankfurt. I did not immediately recognize his voice as I was still groggy from sleep. I thought it was Luke from Germany, trying to check on my visa application, so when he finally told me it was him, I said, "Oh, hi Kuya Nap." To which, he replied ever so simply, "God, I miss you." I couldn't believe what I just heard! My heart jumped into a million beats per second right there and then! For the first time since we became friends, I started feeling something for him! I can never forget that phone call ever. It was our first "real talk". It was not the usual profound revelations from God. It was simply about our day. How our day went, what he did, how he felt, his raw emotions about missing everything in Cebu, and all. For the first time, I felt like we talked heart-to-heart.

And that scared me. Like crazy.

The Feeling of Loss in Your Adjustment Period

I'm going to post below an article from Focus on the Family, which I find very helpful to newly married women. But first, let me give my piece on this. I often tell young women who come for premarital counseling that once you have tied the knot, you have to say farewell to singlehood. One just can't keep thinking single anymore. You have to start seeing yourself as an essential part of your spouse now. The process of transition from single life to married mode is not easy, but I never found the right word to describe it until I read this article --- L O S S.

It does feel like you lost something because you can't be independent any longer, and you can't just do anything you want anytime you want it anymore. However, it is a good kind of loss because you gain so much more. If you are a believer of Christ, you should already know that feeling because it is similar to when you gave your life to Jesus. One must love Jesus above all other loves and even love for self. You must lose yourself in order to GAIN Christ.

Some ladies might easily argue that they don't mind losing themselves if they gain someone perfect like Christ. But husbands are not perfect, so the ultimate question would be, is the loss all worth it? It's amazing how, when you dare to lose a part of yourself, a profound sense of fulfillment begins to surface in your marriage despite your and your husband’s imperfections. It is a mystery to be able to experience perfect joy and contentment despite your flaws and that of your husband’s. Of course, it does not happen overnight. Consistency is a must and when completion of "loss" has been achieved, you will be surprised at the results. Following His prescribed process opens up the doors of your marriage for heaven to flow in. And what is that prescribed process? Lose in order to gain. Selfless giving and service. Putting your spouse above yourself.

Remember that passage in the gospel of John, where Jesus tells them that on His own He can do nothing? Did you think twice about that line? Isn't Jesus part of the Triune God? And isn't He as God as the Father is? Yet, I believe that He stated so clearly His choice to be INTERDEPENDENT with the Father, although He Himself had the same abilities as Abba had. He chose not to be independent of the Father in every way --- "I only do what I see My Father do. I only say what I hear My Father say."

Wives, we, in essence and in so many ways in our family, in our career decisions, in our hobbies, in our interests, CAN actually do without our husbands. But we must be like Jesus, who makes that choice to be interdependent, not independent.

Is it all worth it? Oh yes, it is. The process may not be easy every step of the way. But remember, it's just a process leading to a destination. The latter brings in rewards that make you forget all the 'hell' you went through to get there.

Here's the article I wish to share with you. Be blessed as you take heed!
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Feelings of Doubt and Uncertainty

The adjustment from being single to being married can create feelings of loss and anxiety. Here's how to cope.

by Mitch Temple

Next Article in Series:

The sudden change that comes after the honeymoon can be one of life's most sobering moments. Some young couples describe this as "being hit in the face with a cold glass of water" or "being struck by lightning."

Others express it this way:

"I feel like I'm on another planet, and I want to go home!"

"I miss being able to do what I want to do, when I want to do it."

And here's a favorite that marriage therapists hear often: "If two becoming one means that I disappear as a person, forget it!"

If you feel like this, don't think you're alone or that your situation is hopeless. The following quotations illustrate the fact that the adjustment period from aloneness to togetherness is often complex:

I figure that the degree of difficulty in combining two lives ranks somewhere between rerouting a hurricane and finding a parking place in downtown Manhattan.—Claire Cloninger

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.—Rita Rudner

Many couples wonder how the blending of two personalities and sets of ambitions, desires, and dreams could ever be expected by a wise and all-knowing God! Trying to adjust from "freedom" to partnership can be difficult and exasperating — but it's a process, not just a destination.

The Feelings are Normal

When we shift from being single to being married, we experience loss. Losing something leaves us feeling sad. But as we grow in our relationship with the person we committed to, the grief can turn to joy and contentment.

It's common for young couples to experience various levels of "buyer's remorse." That was the case with Nicole and Ted. Nicole had waited for many years to find the right man to spend the rest of her life with. At age 33, she met Ted. Within 13 months they were married in her hometown of Atlanta.

Though she was certain Ted was the man God had chosen for her, Nicole missed her independence. Often she felt sad, conflicted, confused — wondering whether she'd made the wrong decision about marriage. She loved Ted and was thankful for him, realizing she couldn't have asked for a better man. But she struggled with having to give up her "alone time" and sense of freedom. After praying, studying the Bible, and getting direction from Christian friends, Nicole began to see that her feelings were normal and that most people experience them. She accepted the responsibility of honoring the relationship God had given her with Ted. Each day she made conscious efforts to enjoy her relationship with her new husband in the fullest sense.

Though she occasionally needed time alone, Nicole learned to think in terms of two instead of one. When tempted to do her own thing at Ted's expense, she resisted. When it would have been easy to plop down on the couch after a hard day's work, she spent time with her husband first. Ted responded in a similar way, and their marriage developed into a bond filled with joy and intimacy.

That's how closeness and biblical oneness develop in marriages in spite of selfish tendencies. Though challenging and often confusing, the transition from independence to interdependence is absolutely vital to your union.

Finding Your Fountain Of Life: Part 2 of The Wife's Renewing of the Mind

I was once asked recently: "Would you rather give or receive?" This question was directed at a specific aspect in my married life. However, it could go for all aspects of marriage. Would I rather be at the giving or receiving end?

Were I to be asked that same question on the first year of my married life, my answer would have been different from what I gave that night.

Early on in our marriage, I often fought my way to the receiving end. I thought that being there would bring our relationship to a peak of satisfaction which I felt was lacking at that time. Hollywood has never failed to project that kind of expectation from the woman in a state of marriage. The husband works hard to buy his wife the most expensive jewelry. He surprises her with his gift and the scene shows the woman all teary-eyed, screaming in glee and feeling like a princess. He wakes up earlier than her and makes coffee for her, prepares the breakfast, while the wife simply comes up from behind and wraps her arms around him, gives him a morning sweet kiss. Or at work, the woman coming from a restroom break suddenly finds a dozen of long-stemmed roses on her desk and guess where it came from --- of course, from her devoted husband. Seldom do we see films that portray the woman in the backstage while the spotlight is on the husband. I'm sure there are more but on a quick recall, I can only count one --- Remember the Titans, starring Denzel Washington. Though his wife was a homemaker and was seldom seen at practices, she played a great role from the backstage. It was her hidden acts of courage and strength, of silence in a time of much pressure that kept the spotlight shining on her man.

I have had to renew my mind about this. I admit the way was not easy. Sometimes, you keep giving but never receiving from your spouse. How do you give when you yourself are found drained and empty and simply unable to give more? I wish I believed the secret early on, but I did not. Eventually, I gave it a try. You see, my friend, we've been lied to. Our husband is not our fountain of life. He is as needy as we are. He may not display his needs the way we do, may not express it the way we do. Nevertheless, the reality of his dire need for LIFE is as real as ours is. How then can we expect someone so needy to fill our own needs? That would look like me so hungry and expecting the street kid who's begging for food to feed my hunger.

When I was single, I saw God as my Husband. I got that from Isaiah 54:5, "For the Maker is your husband, the Lord of hosts is His name..." I remember back in college, when I had to go out on Sundays alone, enjoying my Burger King or Kenny Rogers dinner alone, while at the other booths, couples or families would be laughing around enjoying their meal together. I remember feeling a slight of pity for myself being alone, and then reminding myself of this verse. I sought much comfort from this truth. I found my satisfaction in that promise. After dinner, I would stand in line for a jeepney ride going back to the campus and stand alone while everyone beside me were in the arms of their lover. I would rehearse the verse over and over in my mind, sang it in a low voice when I found an empty space in the front seat of the jeep. It kept the tears at bay. It kept my aching heart from drowning in self-pity. I would feel like crying and laughing at the same time because the more I rehearsed this truth in my heart, the more I felt His tangible presence. I felt His arms wrapped around me in my loneliness and then I just knew...I was not alone at all.

Then I got married, and I thought I'd drop the verse. After all, now I got a real husband. Sadly, I too made him to be like God. I began to see my husband as my maker --- the maker of my happiness, the maker of my satisfaction, the maker of fun times, the maker of romance --- all of which he can never be. There is only ONE MAKER in our life and His name is The Lord of Hosts. That is what Isaiah proclaimed. It did not occur to me that I was falling into idolatry. I began to put my husband on a position that was solely reserved for God in my life. Of course, I was always bound for disappointment. Disappointment created more frustrations. Frustrations bred more discontentment, and discontentment fueled my endless nagging.

Young women, you do not cease to make Jesus your Fountain of Life even when you said your I do's to a man. Ultimately, God has to remain our primary husband, our Maker, our source of life. And when we do, we will find ourselves able to give more to our spouses. When our wells run dry, we do not demand from our husband to fill it with water, we go to our Fountain that flows with Living Water. What is beautiful with Living Water is that those who drink of it will never thirst again. What is even more splendid about this water is that as we give it out from the well of our hearts, we too get filled even more! Call it magical, it may be, because this world's "life" has no capacity to increase itself as it is given out. When it comes out from you, it leaves you drained. You make people happy with worldly measures and it will leave you empty and dried-up. You give people this Living Water, and you will find yourself filled with more of it!

Time and time again this secret has proven itself true. It is simply divine and remains to be a mystery to me. Not many partake of it because the only way to dip into the fountain of life is by bending yourself into a low position. Pride can produce counterfeit life, but humility opens up the wells of living waters in your heart.

Ladies, look to Jesus, your Maker, your Husband. Only then will you be able to remain standing on the giving end all the time. And guess what. The longer you stand on the giving end, the more you find yourself on the receiving end.

"Give and it shall be given to you; good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over will be put into your bosom. For with the same measure that you use, it will be measured back to you." Luke 6:38

The Renewing of the Wife's Mind Part 1

Wives, what is your idea of beauty? What is your idea of love and marriage? These are questions that we ought not to ignore in the first years of our married life. I would advise the newlywed woman, or the single-almost-getting-married lady to take a real time off for herself and sit by a coffee table perhaps, write down these questions, and seriously attempt to answer them from the heart. Your answers to these questions will, after all, most likely determine how you will carry on your relationship with your husband.

I grew up as a teenager with two major vices --- a public and a private one. The former was romance novels, and the latter was pornography. What a combination. One fed the other well alright. I went on with these vices for years and needless to say they were my addictions. Of course, my mind began to be filled with all these false and perverted notions about love, romance and beauty. Without me knowing it, my perception of marriage was so distorted that it was way too far from its authentic attributes authored by its Creator.

Although I had stopped reading the romance novels by the time I got engaged, and had already been delivered from pornography a couple of years before that, my mind had not yet been renewed. Because of these ungodly ideas embedded so deeply in my psyche, a lot of disappointments, dissatisfaction, and false expectations built up within me in the first three years of married life. Of course, it did not help that I too had to go through major inner healing from issues of rejection.

Thank God for His Word, and thank God for mothers who speak with so much wisdom!

Ladies, romance novels are just that --- novels. They are works of fiction, and seldom do stories as such make their way into the biography or autobiography section. I say seldom because there are a few exceptions. The problem with us women who get so caught up with these novels is that we begin to fancy our own real-life marriages to make their way to Hollywood or at least to the publishers' press! There is nothing wrong with simple wishing it were so. It becomes a totally different thing, however, to expect our marriage to be so!

Without belaboring the point, allow me to share below some genuine biblical wake-up calls to our minds that may have been taken captive by the world's deceptive ways and philosophies. I will have to divide this blog into parts as I don't want to make it too long.

1. Wives (including us Christian wives) tend to keep a "rebellious streak" thinking that it adds to our spunk. What do I mean with that? I have heard some wives talk about their husbands in such a rebellious manner and celebrate such a dishonoring attitude as "strength, independence, and being in charge". I remember as a newlywed thinking it a boring thing to be a submissive wife. My mom cut that rebellious streak in me down, and the Lord used her to cause my eyes to see the beauty of a marriage founded on God's order.

2. Women want to believe they are the center of the marriage. This is one of the main themes of all romance novels --- how the man makes her feel like the whole world revolves around them, how the men change for the sake of the women, how the men adjust to the women's preferences, and on and on. The first portrayal of this distortion of truth was in the Garden of Eden. Adam let Eve decide, and everything else is history. We need to demolish these strongholds. God made the man first, and then the woman. The feminist in us cries out in rebellion, but we who are daughters of God ought to know better ---that God's ways always lead to peace and righteousness. Ladies, we adjust to the men. This was one of the sayings my own mother used to hammer on me in my first months of married life. My independent, strong-willed me would automatically respond by saying, "But what about me? Should he not also consider me???" And my prudent mom would reply in words that would go like this:

"There is no me in marriage. It's we. And if there's anyone who has to die to their preferences first, it's us women, because the instruction given to us is to SUBMIT."

Only when I chose to embrace truth over personal opinion did I see the wisdom of it all. Marriage was created by God to depict the kind of covenant relationship He wants to have with us. In the New Testament, we are called the Bride of Christ and Christ as the Bridegroom of the Church. The goal is perfect union, when the heart, will and mind of the Bride becomes one with Christ. Guess who has to submit? The Bride. I am sure some of us smarter women would quickly point out to Christ dying first on the Cross for us. I am not stripping the husband's need to fulfill his own responsibilities of honoring us and loving us. It would also not be love if all the dying has to take place from our side. Both has to be willing to concede, and it ought to be us wives who does so first. SUBMIT. In the epistle to the Ephesian church, Paul states it clearly "submit in all things". The Apostle Peter even points out the wife's submission as that which we ought to give to the Lord! Wow, what a tough mandate to us wives! And yet, God never calls us to do that which He will not enable or empower us to do ---IF WE ARE BUT WILLING TO YIELD to His will.

I have had to change so many times in my married life. I have had to renew my mind the way I manage my time because when you get married, you no longer live for yourself. You live to serve your spouse. The world tries to portray a submissive and serving wife as a "goody-two-shoes woman". But let's ask the independent wives if their marriage is deep, meaningful, solid and peaceful as well as fulfilling, shall we?

I have had to change some of my favorite pastimes in order to be one with my husband. I have had to make an effort to be interested in his own pastimes and interests. We did not have household help in our first year of marriage so I have had to wake up early to prepare breakfast for him. I had to get over my "cum laude" status and serve as a full time housewife for a time. I have had to change the way I see "date nights". I had to shift from thinking like an independent college dormer to a married woman who doesn't own her life anymore.

Do I get a "me time"? Of course, I still do! And believe me, when you surrender to your husband's ways, he will delight in pampering you. He'll give you a break of course, every now and then. But when your husband is tired and you're all hyperactive from the exciting events of your life, take a pause and SERVE your husband's needs.

Him first before me. Just like in our relationship with Jesus.

Dating is Not a Game

This post is for all you single ladies.

Hollywood and all her alliances are very pushy on this subject, telling us that it's all just a game one can play, might get hurt in the process, but can still be in the game. They make dating sound like it's the most trivial things worth risking your all --- which is downright ridiculous. You do not risk your all on something so trivial.

Still, a lot of young women (sadly, there are some older ones too) fall into this hypnotic daze of getting in and trying to enjoy the so-called "Dating Game".

Personally, I don't see Dating as sin. But neither is it a game.

I've been asked recently whether I approve dating or not, but there is just no direct answer for that. Here are my pieces about the subject though, which none of you are obligated to follow, but just in case you're interested to know:

1. Date only when you are ready to commit to a relationship.
- I am not saying that the one you date should already be the man you will commit to. What I am saying is, if you are not yet ready for a serious relationship, don't date. Why? Because if you happen to date the man of your dreams, and you are not yet ready for a relationship, then baby, you are just tickling your senses, endlessly frustrating and unnecessarily distracting yourself. He may be a good distraction, but nevertheless, still a distraction. What do I mean by 'ready'? I mean ready for a serious relationship that can lead to marriage at most a year after. That cuts all the buts. As long as you are unfinished with your studies, you have around you all kinds of easy distractions to keep you just right there in your studies --- unfinished. Why add more?? That is why the Song of Songs says, "Do not awaken love until it so desires." It talks about the maturity of love where it desires soooo much it will do anything to fulfill its desires. Premature awakening of love might lead you to do anything to fulfill its desires, but find you unprepared at the moment of reckoning.

2. Date with an open mind but a guarded heart.
- Guard your heart. Engage your mind on a date night, but keep your heart guarded. The subjects closest to your heart ought not to be shared on a date. Oh yes, talk about facts, about your dog, your cat, your favorite movies, desserts, sports, etc... But the deeper intimate subjects about you, keep them safe in your heart. So you must first determine, what are the issues or "stuff" closest to your heart? I read somewhere that you must draw three lines around your heart, much like the Tabernacle of Moses. There is the Outer Court, the Inner Court, and then the Holy of Holies. It would be wise to create such boundaries around your heart when dating.

3. You don't have to date every man who asks you out.
- Do the initial screening by honest prayer that's really open to hear what God has to say. You would not want to waste more time than you already are in other areas of your life. *lol* At the same time, don't be led by the common fear of "what if he is not the right one for me?". If he is a brother in Christ, decent enough, sensible to talk to, maintains a job, why not? Not saying also that he is the right one for you. After all, it's just a date, not the wedding day. *lol* What I'm saying is, unless there is just a super clear "bzzzzz" from the Holy Spirit not to go out with this guy, then go by the guidelines I wrote above.

4. Keep the date a casual date, and do not make it into a wedding night, or a prelude of some sort.
- Please, don't try to create a Jerry Maguire first date scene. Keep your head on top of things and don't recreate your Hollywood romantic dream scenes on a date.

5. If it's a first, a second, a third, or a fourth, with the same guy, keep it light and public still.
- Better yet, do some of those with groups so you'll know how he is with other people. Avoid having a first date in a movie house, alone, sitting beside each other. That's just too intimate for a first date. *bad taste*

6. Remember to clearly draw the line between "dating" and "in a relationship".
- Please, by all means, make sure you define your status. Do not let the dating phase simply blur into the lines of being in a relationship, all implied by the frequency of dates. A date does not immediately imply a relationship. Courtship should have a clear graduating phase, not a gradual, blurry evolution to a serious relationship. Otherwise, you encourage a "it just happened" attitude towards your relationship. With that kind of approach, you are treating your love towards each other as accidental, coincidental, rather than purposeful and intentional, both of which are essential attributes of true love.

How would you feel when you receive your salvation in Christ Jesus, you would hear a "Oh, it just so happened you were in church all the time so I ended up loving you" kind of message from God? That would not be too great a love, nor would it be an authentic love relationship. When my husband called me long distance from Canada telling me, that the Lord told him to "go home and marry Happy (me)", he did not know it was my final confirmation of what I heard from the Lord two years before that call came. When I revealed this to him, after much shock, we had to immediately define our relationship. We were real good close friends before the call. Still, we had to verbalize the definition. I remember asking, "So, does this mean we're now engaged?" With his typical manly manner, he simply said, "Yeah, I guess." Despite the lack of cheesy romantic words, it was not blurry, it was not confusing. The redefining of a friendship into being an engaged couple sealed our next move: Marriage. Your relationship must be intentional and not merely coincidental, not even accidental.

7. Dress decently, not provocatively on your date.
- You would want his intentions towards you to be clear that he is not aiming for you to be his sexual conquest, but that he wants to get to know you as a decent woman and friend. Don't get romantic and mushy on a first date. Keep it on a friendship level. The best marriages run on real good friendships that are based on mutual honor and respect for one another.

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I can't believe I actually reached 7! I may have missed some, but for now, these are what easily popped in my mind while typing away. To be honest, I am no Date Expert as I only seriously dated my fiance! I always held in principle that while I was in college, I wouldn't go out on a date. Check out my piece # 1. Had God not spoken to my husband during the last semester of college, I probably would have gone on a couple of dates after graduation--- if asked.

The Biggest Risk Worth Taking --- LOVE & MARRIAGE

In the solemnity of the wedding day, the most powerfully binding and profound segment is that moment when the blissful wife and the nervous husband declare their vows one to another in front of a hundred witnesses or so, before the minister, before God. The words echo quietly like this:

"I, _______, take you, _________, to be my lawfully wedded (husband/wife), to have and behold from this day on, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; until death do us part."

Some couples choose to reword it for a more personal effect. My husband and I decided to maintain the traditional wording of our vows on our wedding day almost eight years ago. Why? Simply because it cuts out all the other emotional trivialities and goes straight down to the bottom line --- this is it, I will have you, I will behold you, I will love you and cherish you, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.

Pause.

Do you care to realize what a huge risk you just signed yourself into? Do you bother to think deeply about the vow you have just spoken aloud to the man you have bound yourself with for the rest of your life?

First of all, you have no guarantees whatsoever as to what will become of your husband a year from that day, much more ten or twenty years forward. You entered into a vow that speaks of a lifetime without the ability to know, not even predict what happens within that span of years. You have no way of calculating any sort of "return of investment". You have no form of measurement to use to appraise the appreciating or depreciating value of your spouse, no X number of years warranty (return if there is any factory default, or free repair, free exchange). That, my friend, is the biggest risk that any one of us can ever take in all our life!

Oh you can invest your finances for a certain number of years, and if it's not gaining good profit, divest and invest in another venture. Marriage, however is not an investment. It's more risky than any investments you make, and moreover involves not only your finances, but your emotions, your health, your mental capacity, your everything.

Yes, that is what you said your I Do to. Let's take the line "for better or for worse". Do you realize how long the range can go from better to worse? It's interesting how the vow does not even say "for best or for worst". Have you asked yourself why? First of all, you should know it can never become best because until death do you part, you will remain imperfect, so it can either only keep going better, or worse. But it can never get worst as well, because that adjective can only describe death. By the time you hit the worst on the range, either you or your spouse has died. Any circumstance that has nothing to do with death still goes under worse, NOT worst. Wow, that's the long stretch that demands for love to manifest through patience. Love is patient. How patient? That patient.

So you promise to love, to have, to cherish, and to behold your spouse through the better days, as well as through the worse days, until you either hit best or worst (both of these latter words indicate death).

Let's examine richer or poorer. You can never go poorest. The poorest one on earth is she who has nothing at all in that single moment, not even the breath of life. So who is the poorest? The one lying six feet under ground. She has no money with her, no more opinion, no more voice, no ability to move, no capacity to help herself up. As long as you are not in that state yet, you may be getting poorer, but never poorest. Richer. You can never go richest because the richest one is she who has no need nor want of anything at all, in a state of perfection for a stable long period of time --- eternal bliss, if you didn't get it. You are the richest when you already find yourself in heaven with Jesus, relishing in His perfection, enjoying your glorified state. So while you are married here on earth, you can really either go richer than yesterday, or poorer than last week. But it can never reach either end of the pendulum for a long period of time, simply because you live in a fallen world, and you're married to a fallen spouse (though redeemed, I hope, he is still a long work in progress like you are).

So you promise to love, to have, to cherish, to behold your spouse whether the two of you are getting richer, or getting poorer. If it means remaining in long suffering, then choosing that road is choosing the road of Love. Love suffers long.

And all the same principle holds true for "in sickness and in health."

Bottom line. When you said your vows, you closed every possible open door of escape. There are no fire exits in marriage. You can be sure when you call on the Lord, He can save you more than the firefighters of this city can when your marriage house is "on fire". Jesus paid for your marriage's fire insurance. But the whole process of repairing the damaged parts of your relationship, including your burned hearts and minds can't be accomplished by a third party. You and your spouse must actively undertake it, and shed some emotional and mental expenses while doing so. It's called "working it out".

Our earthly marriage was designed to display the kind of relationship God wants to have with us. Ultimately, He is the top Risktaker throughout eternity. He gave His own Son for our redemption, with all the risks of mankind's rejection. He opens His arms in complete forgiveness to us each time we repent, though He knows full well how we are prone to repeat the same sin. Yet He continues to invite us to come closer to Him. He persists on showing us His tender mercies. His discipline is not that which comes from exasperation, but from constantly believing in us. He does not tolerate our pretensions, but calls us to transparency and honesty. In blatant exposure of our filthiest weaknesses, He chooses to embrace and cover us with His perfection.

That is the picture of the kind of risk you and I are called to take in our marriages, friend. You have to see yourself as the risk that God willingly took in order for you to be able to take the same risks daily with your spouse.

It is utterly wonderful.

And literally breathtaking.

Secret Treasures