Secret Treasures: GOD Factor

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Finding Your Fountain Of Life: Part 2 of The Wife's Renewing of the Mind

I was once asked recently: "Would you rather give or receive?" This question was directed at a specific aspect in my married life. However, it could go for all aspects of marriage. Would I rather be at the giving or receiving end?

Were I to be asked that same question on the first year of my married life, my answer would have been different from what I gave that night.

Early on in our marriage, I often fought my way to the receiving end. I thought that being there would bring our relationship to a peak of satisfaction which I felt was lacking at that time. Hollywood has never failed to project that kind of expectation from the woman in a state of marriage. The husband works hard to buy his wife the most expensive jewelry. He surprises her with his gift and the scene shows the woman all teary-eyed, screaming in glee and feeling like a princess. He wakes up earlier than her and makes coffee for her, prepares the breakfast, while the wife simply comes up from behind and wraps her arms around him, gives him a morning sweet kiss. Or at work, the woman coming from a restroom break suddenly finds a dozen of long-stemmed roses on her desk and guess where it came from --- of course, from her devoted husband. Seldom do we see films that portray the woman in the backstage while the spotlight is on the husband. I'm sure there are more but on a quick recall, I can only count one --- Remember the Titans, starring Denzel Washington. Though his wife was a homemaker and was seldom seen at practices, she played a great role from the backstage. It was her hidden acts of courage and strength, of silence in a time of much pressure that kept the spotlight shining on her man.

I have had to renew my mind about this. I admit the way was not easy. Sometimes, you keep giving but never receiving from your spouse. How do you give when you yourself are found drained and empty and simply unable to give more? I wish I believed the secret early on, but I did not. Eventually, I gave it a try. You see, my friend, we've been lied to. Our husband is not our fountain of life. He is as needy as we are. He may not display his needs the way we do, may not express it the way we do. Nevertheless, the reality of his dire need for LIFE is as real as ours is. How then can we expect someone so needy to fill our own needs? That would look like me so hungry and expecting the street kid who's begging for food to feed my hunger.

When I was single, I saw God as my Husband. I got that from Isaiah 54:5, "For the Maker is your husband, the Lord of hosts is His name..." I remember back in college, when I had to go out on Sundays alone, enjoying my Burger King or Kenny Rogers dinner alone, while at the other booths, couples or families would be laughing around enjoying their meal together. I remember feeling a slight of pity for myself being alone, and then reminding myself of this verse. I sought much comfort from this truth. I found my satisfaction in that promise. After dinner, I would stand in line for a jeepney ride going back to the campus and stand alone while everyone beside me were in the arms of their lover. I would rehearse the verse over and over in my mind, sang it in a low voice when I found an empty space in the front seat of the jeep. It kept the tears at bay. It kept my aching heart from drowning in self-pity. I would feel like crying and laughing at the same time because the more I rehearsed this truth in my heart, the more I felt His tangible presence. I felt His arms wrapped around me in my loneliness and then I just knew...I was not alone at all.

Then I got married, and I thought I'd drop the verse. After all, now I got a real husband. Sadly, I too made him to be like God. I began to see my husband as my maker --- the maker of my happiness, the maker of my satisfaction, the maker of fun times, the maker of romance --- all of which he can never be. There is only ONE MAKER in our life and His name is The Lord of Hosts. That is what Isaiah proclaimed. It did not occur to me that I was falling into idolatry. I began to put my husband on a position that was solely reserved for God in my life. Of course, I was always bound for disappointment. Disappointment created more frustrations. Frustrations bred more discontentment, and discontentment fueled my endless nagging.

Young women, you do not cease to make Jesus your Fountain of Life even when you said your I do's to a man. Ultimately, God has to remain our primary husband, our Maker, our source of life. And when we do, we will find ourselves able to give more to our spouses. When our wells run dry, we do not demand from our husband to fill it with water, we go to our Fountain that flows with Living Water. What is beautiful with Living Water is that those who drink of it will never thirst again. What is even more splendid about this water is that as we give it out from the well of our hearts, we too get filled even more! Call it magical, it may be, because this world's "life" has no capacity to increase itself as it is given out. When it comes out from you, it leaves you drained. You make people happy with worldly measures and it will leave you empty and dried-up. You give people this Living Water, and you will find yourself filled with more of it!

Time and time again this secret has proven itself true. It is simply divine and remains to be a mystery to me. Not many partake of it because the only way to dip into the fountain of life is by bending yourself into a low position. Pride can produce counterfeit life, but humility opens up the wells of living waters in your heart.

Ladies, look to Jesus, your Maker, your Husband. Only then will you be able to remain standing on the giving end all the time. And guess what. The longer you stand on the giving end, the more you find yourself on the receiving end.

"Give and it shall be given to you; good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over will be put into your bosom. For with the same measure that you use, it will be measured back to you." Luke 6:38

The Renewing of the Wife's Mind Part 1

Wives, what is your idea of beauty? What is your idea of love and marriage? These are questions that we ought not to ignore in the first years of our married life. I would advise the newlywed woman, or the single-almost-getting-married lady to take a real time off for herself and sit by a coffee table perhaps, write down these questions, and seriously attempt to answer them from the heart. Your answers to these questions will, after all, most likely determine how you will carry on your relationship with your husband.

I grew up as a teenager with two major vices --- a public and a private one. The former was romance novels, and the latter was pornography. What a combination. One fed the other well alright. I went on with these vices for years and needless to say they were my addictions. Of course, my mind began to be filled with all these false and perverted notions about love, romance and beauty. Without me knowing it, my perception of marriage was so distorted that it was way too far from its authentic attributes authored by its Creator.

Although I had stopped reading the romance novels by the time I got engaged, and had already been delivered from pornography a couple of years before that, my mind had not yet been renewed. Because of these ungodly ideas embedded so deeply in my psyche, a lot of disappointments, dissatisfaction, and false expectations built up within me in the first three years of married life. Of course, it did not help that I too had to go through major inner healing from issues of rejection.

Thank God for His Word, and thank God for mothers who speak with so much wisdom!

Ladies, romance novels are just that --- novels. They are works of fiction, and seldom do stories as such make their way into the biography or autobiography section. I say seldom because there are a few exceptions. The problem with us women who get so caught up with these novels is that we begin to fancy our own real-life marriages to make their way to Hollywood or at least to the publishers' press! There is nothing wrong with simple wishing it were so. It becomes a totally different thing, however, to expect our marriage to be so!

Without belaboring the point, allow me to share below some genuine biblical wake-up calls to our minds that may have been taken captive by the world's deceptive ways and philosophies. I will have to divide this blog into parts as I don't want to make it too long.

1. Wives (including us Christian wives) tend to keep a "rebellious streak" thinking that it adds to our spunk. What do I mean with that? I have heard some wives talk about their husbands in such a rebellious manner and celebrate such a dishonoring attitude as "strength, independence, and being in charge". I remember as a newlywed thinking it a boring thing to be a submissive wife. My mom cut that rebellious streak in me down, and the Lord used her to cause my eyes to see the beauty of a marriage founded on God's order.

2. Women want to believe they are the center of the marriage. This is one of the main themes of all romance novels --- how the man makes her feel like the whole world revolves around them, how the men change for the sake of the women, how the men adjust to the women's preferences, and on and on. The first portrayal of this distortion of truth was in the Garden of Eden. Adam let Eve decide, and everything else is history. We need to demolish these strongholds. God made the man first, and then the woman. The feminist in us cries out in rebellion, but we who are daughters of God ought to know better ---that God's ways always lead to peace and righteousness. Ladies, we adjust to the men. This was one of the sayings my own mother used to hammer on me in my first months of married life. My independent, strong-willed me would automatically respond by saying, "But what about me? Should he not also consider me???" And my prudent mom would reply in words that would go like this:

"There is no me in marriage. It's we. And if there's anyone who has to die to their preferences first, it's us women, because the instruction given to us is to SUBMIT."

Only when I chose to embrace truth over personal opinion did I see the wisdom of it all. Marriage was created by God to depict the kind of covenant relationship He wants to have with us. In the New Testament, we are called the Bride of Christ and Christ as the Bridegroom of the Church. The goal is perfect union, when the heart, will and mind of the Bride becomes one with Christ. Guess who has to submit? The Bride. I am sure some of us smarter women would quickly point out to Christ dying first on the Cross for us. I am not stripping the husband's need to fulfill his own responsibilities of honoring us and loving us. It would also not be love if all the dying has to take place from our side. Both has to be willing to concede, and it ought to be us wives who does so first. SUBMIT. In the epistle to the Ephesian church, Paul states it clearly "submit in all things". The Apostle Peter even points out the wife's submission as that which we ought to give to the Lord! Wow, what a tough mandate to us wives! And yet, God never calls us to do that which He will not enable or empower us to do ---IF WE ARE BUT WILLING TO YIELD to His will.

I have had to change so many times in my married life. I have had to renew my mind the way I manage my time because when you get married, you no longer live for yourself. You live to serve your spouse. The world tries to portray a submissive and serving wife as a "goody-two-shoes woman". But let's ask the independent wives if their marriage is deep, meaningful, solid and peaceful as well as fulfilling, shall we?

I have had to change some of my favorite pastimes in order to be one with my husband. I have had to make an effort to be interested in his own pastimes and interests. We did not have household help in our first year of marriage so I have had to wake up early to prepare breakfast for him. I had to get over my "cum laude" status and serve as a full time housewife for a time. I have had to change the way I see "date nights". I had to shift from thinking like an independent college dormer to a married woman who doesn't own her life anymore.

Do I get a "me time"? Of course, I still do! And believe me, when you surrender to your husband's ways, he will delight in pampering you. He'll give you a break of course, every now and then. But when your husband is tired and you're all hyperactive from the exciting events of your life, take a pause and SERVE your husband's needs.

Him first before me. Just like in our relationship with Jesus.

Myth--- "My Marriage Ought to Satisfy Me"

Ever heard of married women saying, "My husband does not satisfy me anymore" or, "My marriage is no longer satisfying"?

That is the most common faulty perspective young wives fall victim to. They think marriage serves as a source of satisfaction in their life. And so begins the vicious cycle of hopping from one relationship to another, yet still failing to find that ultimate gratification. This is no different from people who hop from one job to another seeking for that one career that "satisfies" them.

Notice how people can go at great lengths searching for fulfillment only to find it to be forever elusive? That temporal high which many assume to be the happiness they've pursued all their life is as temporary as its source. It will always slip through your fingers. This is because the peace you seek for is eternal by nature, hence the unending drive for it.

Ladies, if you enter into marriage with this inherent search still unmet, you are bound for disappointment. No man, no matter how rich, how handsome, how smart they are, can ever satisfy you the way you were meant to be filled. That gnawing ache for delectation is reserved for a perfect source, which you can never find on the face of the earth among the fallen male species.

This is how empty and dry we are without God.

A marriage that is satisfying is one that involves a husband and a wife who have both found contentment and joy in their own individual lives. This is the only way they can mutually contribute to, rather than consume from, each other. A very draining marriage is a result of two empty people trying to consume each other's happiness in order to be happy themselves. When you do not have any other source, you will think the person you're married to is the well you can constantly draw from. Endlessly consuming one another's life will end up draining each other. Thus, a drained husband who can no longer drink in from his wife's fountain due to its ceaseless emptiness will begin to search for satisfaction from another 'possible source', or the other way around.

My marriage is as imperfect as everyone else's is. But my husband and I are not left to our own imperfections, and this is where the satisfaction and happiness come from. We each have found the Perfect Source that fills all our deep longings for happiness. His name is Jesus. He is the fountain that never runs dry. He is the well that never goes empty.

There are times when Napoleon and I forget to drink from our Source, and that is when frustrations explode, disappointments overwhelm. After the hurtful words have been spoken, the pain reminds us to return to our Ultimate Source. When we do so, healing flows and then life is restored. Now, we can give to each other because we have been filled.

I am reminded of the verse in Isaiah 54 that declares,

"For your Maker is your husband, the Lord of hosts is His name; And your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel; He is called the God of the whole earth."

Do not make your husband out to be God. He can never perfectly love you, but there is One who can. He can never perfectly make you happy, but there is One who can.

His name is Jesus. And when you call, He will answer.

And He definitely satisfies.

Cultivate Your Garden Before You Plant

Marriage is like a Garden.

The first marriage recorded in the Bible took place in the Garden of Eden. There is a beautiful and profound truth in this picture --- that is, that God intended our marriage to be treated like a Garden.

I am not one who is very fond of gardening. My Dad is. His spare time is usually spent outside the house weeding, watering his plants, planting trees, creating garden plots, and other gardening activities I am ignorant of. If there is no garden, he easily creates one. When it comes to gardening, my only memory of hands-on experience goes way back to high school at Philippine Christian Gospel School.

We were required to create our own vegetable plot to plant rows of pechay. We were taught that before you plant anything, you must cultivate the soil. This means digging up the ground, taking out stones, rocks, weeds, and till up the allotted land for planting. I pause here to point out its parallelism to marriage.

Ladies, the moment you decide to tie the knot, you and your spouse must go through a time of "tilling" the ground of your hearts. This is why we always recommend young couples coming in for pre-marital counseling to go for a session of Inner Healing and Deliverance two or three months ahead of their Big Day. Before you can plant your heart in your husband's garden, and vice versa, there must be a radical removal of rocks and stones that are blatantly visible in your heart. These stones may be issues of unforgiveness, bitterness, resentment and hatred directed against parents or ex-lovers. The rocks may be guilt and shame over past sins of immorality. The weeds may be words of deception and lies about your worth rooted from issues of past betrayals, rejection, or abuse.

Cultivating your garden before you plant is not even an option in the art of gardening. It is a must if you intend to see fruitfulness in what you sow. Besides, it is crazy to plant and not expect fruits. Sadly, many women (and men, for that matter) enter into marriage like farmers deciding to sow rows of corn but not expecting any harvest. The preparations are mostly spent on the wedding day, rather than in the lifetime journey of marriage. It is like a farmer counting all the seeds he has his hand, which he is about to sow, celebrating over the amount of it but never putting out his hand once to plow the ground.

Marriage is as intentional as gardening is. Rocks, stones, weeds, are not only hindrances to good fruitfulness, but they choke the life out of any plant sown amidst them. In order for genuine beauty to come out of your married life, we must be intentional in preparing the ground of our hearts. Regular cultivation is another story, yet quite as important.

If the ground could talk, it probably would be screaming every time you pull out the rocks embedded in it. Yes, even the initial act of digging down into the soil of our hearts will be painful, but it is a good kind of pain. It will produce healing and life. You just have to make sure you are tilling your heart's ground together with the Gardener of all Gardeners --- Jesus Christ. He knows your soil type very well. He has the capacity to see way into the depths, beyond the surface of your heart. He knows which rock to take out first. He knows which weeds need to be pulled out, and even the best method of pulling them stubborn weeds out.

I encourage you, ladies, go through Inner Healing and Deliverance before you walk down that aisle. It is available for those who want it. By the way, this 'service' has been paid for so it's free of charge for you. :D

Becoming a Wise Young Wife

I have a confession. I entered marriage as a woman who had a very good educational background, graduated with flying colors, and yet, in spite of it all, I was a foolish young wife.

I laugh at the irony of the inscription inside the wedding band on my ring finger stating “Proverbs 31”. Perhaps my dear patient husband was being prophetic.

Today, I do not claim to be the wisest wife in the world. God knows, I am far from that. But I too, am far from being foolish as I was seven and a half years ago when I said my I do.

My cure? Devouring the Word of God —-especially the book of Proverbs.

The Word of God makes us wise.

Hey, if I had to be a Proverbs 31 woman, I had to read the whole Proverbs. After all, you don’t become the 31 woman if you never began with chapters 1-30. The 31st chapter, mind you, is the last one of the book. Having said this, allow me to share with you some of the most striking, hitting, piercing passages that really changed me inside out. I pray that as you read, you will embrace the wisdom no matter how much it hurts and allow it to break you and re-mold you into the woman God wants you to be.

“Do not be wise in your own eyes; Fear the Lord and depart from evil. It will be health to your flesh, and strength to your bones.” Prov. 3:7-8

Oh how many times do conflicts with our husbands arise because we wives just deem ourselves to be wiser than our spouses?! Heed this verse and humble yourself. To fear the Lord is to acknowledge that we do not know and understand everything, but God does. When we accept this hard truth, we will be content to shut ourselves up. I am forever learning this. I have learned it to a degree, but I know I need to exercise this more.

“Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life.” Prov. 4:23

So true. Jesus also said, “Out of the abundance of your heart, the mouth speaks.” Therefore wives, our ultimate responsibility is not to guard our mouths but our hearts first and foremost. No matter how hard you try to keep your mouth closed, if your heart is bubbling with anger and resentment, it will force your mouth open. So ladies,guard your heart with all diligence.By diligence means careful examination, constant evaluation, never getting lazy about weeding out our hearts from any form of insecurities, fears, rejection, bitterness, unforgiveness, hatred, or anger.

“An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who causes shame is like rottenness in his bones.” Prov. 12:4

This verse always leads me to examine my actions and choice of words with other people. Do my actions or words bring shame to my husband? Am I scandalous in the way I act or talk? There have been times, I admit, when in public places, my reserved husband would nudge me to lower down my volume because I had been talking or laughing too loudly. Personally, I don’t find anything wrong with it because I grew up always talking and laughing loud. But since I got married, my considerations have changed. They have to, wives. You cannot give the common sad excuse of “This is who I am, and you just have to accept me as I am.”

You have to admit there are certain preferences you yourself would demand that your husband be considerate of. It is the same thing with him. Being married gives you all the opportunities to learn how to be considerate. My advice? Learn his ways and find out his tastes and then always in your mind put in consideration all these things in everything that you do. It is nothing different from our relationship with God.

In everything we do,we ought to consider the ways of our Father and know His tastes. As the bride of Christ, we must put into consideration whether our actions or words delight Him or not. That is why the apostle Paul tells us that marriage is an earthly expression of the mystery of our relationship with our Lord Jesus. Many times, God uses our marriage to speak to us about our relationship with Him.

I have always loved the book of Proverbs. It was the first book of my Bible which I covered with lots of permanent markers. I still enjoy munching on it and sometimes just devouring it straight from chapters 1 -31.

I hope you’ll do the same, and find yourself gaining much wisdom even at a young age. After all, if truth be told, experience is not the only way to learn.

Secret Treasures