Secret Treasures

So I fell in love with Mr. N, despite all attempts NOT TO before he heard from the Lord.

I could not sleep after that phone call. I fought hard, cried hard, asked the Lord to uproot the feelings from my heart.  I did not want to fall in love at 20 when I can't get married 'til 25!  That's just too long-a-wait!  So I took on a Jacob stance of "I'm not sleeping until You take this feeling out from me, Lord!"  All the while, I just felt the Lord laughing at me.  Seriously.  It was terrible.  I was so downright scared of my feelings. Finally, when I was too tired to say anything more, the Lord whispered in my heart: "If you are to marry him, wouldn't you want to be in love with him??? Or did you prefer a no-feeling kind of marriage?"  I was too tired to argue with the Lord that as soon as I heard that, I fell asleep....quite peacefully, I must say.

Fast forward and there I was in Germany.  Oh, did I mention that it was Nap who sent me my pocket money for the trip --- hence the middle-of-the-night phone call?  He said the Lord had told him to send me pocket money. He answered the Lord by saying, "I'll call her and if she asks me about it, then it's a confirmation."  Obviously, I brought up the subject first (jokingly, of course). And so he sent me the money!  So there I was in Germany and he called me in Germany long distance! So much for trying hard to lose the feelings for him,eh?

When I came back home to the Philippines, I was ready to face two major battles of my senior year --- working on my thesis and getting over my feelings. I later found out that the latter was a fiercer battle to fight than the former.  Mr. N kept calling all the way from Canada, and sometimes asked if I could go online to chat with him. The communication increased even more, until finally, I was so scared he might start feeling something for me too ahead of time.  I then decided to send him an email.  The gist of it was to minimize our communications and only get in touch with each other when the Lord tells us to.  I told him straight that I did not want the enemy to use our friendship against either one of us. I told him that I did not want to end up sharing with him things that were supposedly reserved only for my future spouse, and vice versa.  I assured him that I was doing this out of deep respect for him as my brother in the Lord and that I too respect his future spouse, whoever she was.  He called me a month after that, at Christmas.  He apologized and admitted that the Lord had spoken to him about the same thing too.  So we made a mutual decision to cut off our communications unless clearly prompted by the Lord. The call ended with a "Merry Christmas!" And in my mind I wanted so badly to end it by saying, "I love you." But of course, I had to suppress that urge.  I couldn't let that happen.

The new year came: 2003.  I never thought it would bring a turning point in my life. In January of that year, I got involved with a week-long activity that led me to meet a nice young man, who I got intensely attracted to that time. I kind of felt the feeling was mutual. I found myself wondering if all I'd been hearing from the Lord was wrong and that this was actually the man that I'm supposed to marry.  Somehow, my ideals fit.  I went back to my dorm feeling confused, sorrowful because things did not get clarified between me and that young man before the week ended. There was something, but there seemed to be no spoken direction about it. So I felt hanging.  The moment I opened the door to my room, my cellphone rang. Guess who called.  Napoleon.  After a month of not hearing anything from him.  So much for God talking to me right at my moment of confusion!

Months before summer of 2003, I started to struggle with missing Mr. N. He had kept his end of the deal and had not communicated.  I struggled a lot, missing our phone calls. Then I found the Lord nudging me to write him a letter. I refused. The Lord delved deeper and asked me why.  To make this part of the story short, my issue with love not reciprocated was exposed as well as my fear of rejection.  The Lord took me to the foot of the Cross and showed me that true love has no fears.  He displayed His love while people spat at Him.  He was unashamed to declare His love for us even before we chose to love Him back.  He wrote His love letter (the Bible) to us even though He knew there would be countless times we would simply ignore it!  Talk about rejection and unreciprocated love --- He got it all --- and yet, STILL HE LOVES, unashamedly at that.  I kept weeping and weeping in the vulnerability of my heart and let His love heal me.  I wanted to learn to love that way.  Finally, after hours of learning in the heart True Love from Love Himself, I found the courage to write that letter to Mr. N. I wrote 10 pages of back-to-back yellow pad paper, about what the Lord was showing me through the life of Joseph the dreamer. I fell asleep as I finally allowed myself to say it out loud enough for myself to hear: "I love Nap." Early morning, I got awakened by a phone call ---- from nobody else but Mr. N!

 March of 2003, the Lord dealt with my hidden issues against men. Because of my past incidents of being sexually molested repeatedly, I had developed a mindset that men were just there to use me.  I did not know this until the Lord exposed it.  I saw Nap the same way too. It just came out in my thoughts all too suddenly.  I started believing that Nap only kept his friendship with me because of what I can do for him --- pray for him, prophesy over him, or share my revelations with him, etc.  I started to think that this friendship simply existed for what he can get from me.  The Lord strongly rebuked me for thinking that way and told me that Nap wasn't that kind of a man. Then He led me to the Cross again, and asked me to forgive all the men who used me in the past, whether sexually or not.  There were male friends in my life who I realized only got close to me for what I can do for them in their academics. I had to forgive. It was one of the hardest things to do ever.  It went for hours. Thank God my roommates were gone the whole time!

In retrospect, God was actually preparing me for the last stage of my waiting period. Of course, I never knew that.  Mr. N came home to Cebu for a short summer vacation that year.  We were able to spend time a bit.  I was very consciously aware of my actions towards him, making sure I never flirted or dropped hints.  Some things happened the week before he left though, that made me doubt whether he was really the man I'd marry someday.  Of course, I was truly unprepared for God's surprise.

June of 2003.  June 5, 2003 to be exact.  He called. It was my last semester at UP and I couldn't believe that I was still a student when I got engaged.  Here is how the call went:

Nap: "Hey...I was sitting at this bench in the park where I usually have my time with the Lord. And...you know, I have so many ideals about the kind of girl that I should marry...(silence) and I just laid it all down before Him and said, 'Lord I just want to marry who you want me to marry.' (another silence) And then I heard the Lord clearly say to me as close to audible... He said, "Go home and marry..." (complete silence)"

Me: Uhuh...uhuh..and then...marry who? (I already knew his answer because prior to this call, he had called my mentor to confirm with her if he heard right from the Lord. Of course, my mentor told him that the only way to find out is to call me. She never told him what she knew. Needless to say, she called me right after he hung up and told me herself out of her excitement)

Nap: You guess who.

Me: Marry who?? No way, I am not taking a guess on that one. That's not something to guess about! I wouldn't...

Nap: YOU.

Me: (heart is now doing double flip, and a thousand somersault. After a long silence...)

Nap: Say something, will you?

Me: Are you serious???

Nap: Happy, I'm almost falling off my seat, almost about to pee in my pants or what, and all you're asking is if I'm serious?!?! Of course I'm serious!

Me: (another long silence) I know.

Nap: I know what?

Me: I already knew two years ago.

Nap: What do you mean you already knew two years ago?!?!

And the rest is history.  He makes all things beautiful in His time.  The wait is only worth it if you wait upon the Lord and not in your own strength and ways.

One anonymous reader recently posted a comment asking me to share my experience in the waiting season of my life before my husband-then-friend heard from the Lord.

Before I begin, let me put a simple disclaimer here.  I do not write this in order to instill in you an expectation for a similar process.  I firmly believe that the Lord has reserved a unique love story for each one of us.  My story does not have to look like yours, and vice versa.  I hope that as you read along, you will mostly see principles beyond the story lines.  Principles never change, while story lines may.  Please do not make my story the basis of your own process. Do not make make it a standard.  Do not even make it a confirmation to your own story.  Should you feel that it is (a confirmation), I would like to plainly put out here that it was never my intention to make it look that way.  You must sincerely seek the Lord about that.

So here goes.

I planned on getting married at twenty-five.  I said my I do's at the age of 22.

I received a strong impression from the Lord during a youth prayer meeting in the summer of 2001 to "pray for Nap because he's not yet the man you're going to marry." I was still 18 at that moment. Well, my initial reaction was neither delight nor sorrow, not even excitement.  I actually felt nothing because I 'knew' it was something far in the future, which I had no business to worry about.  I did do a little bit of warfare at that time to confirm if that voice I heard was from the Lord or not.  Eventually, I felt a witness in my spirit so I settled it with myself.  I remember thinking, "Well, if it's from the Lord, great. If not, fine with me." I did not have feelings for Napoleon prior to this revelation, by the way.  So it was not hard for me to handle it.  At that time, he was in a backslidden state yet, so praying for him was definitely a need with or without the revelation.  When the meeting was over, I went to see my mentor that time (our youth pastor) and opened up to her what I felt I received from the Lord.  She was surprised herself, but she gave me a word of wisdom: "Keep it to yourself, but pray for him. You won't lose anything praying for him."  I also had a covenant sister with me at that time who heard what I told my mentor.  Until the day God brought Nap and me together, she had moved in wisdom by keeping it all to herself too.  You need those people around you --- your mentor/spiritual father or mother, and then a couple of covenant sisters.  Later that summer, before I had to fly back to Manila, I confessed it both to my older sister and another close friend, who was Nap's cousin.

The first semester after that summer, Nap started calling me long distance. Why, I had no idea. I still have no idea up to this day. I once asked him when we were already married, why he started calling me and he just shrugged off and said, "I don't know." So since then, we'd talk over the phone like twice or thrice a week.  I was then very careful not to open my heart.  I made sure that our conversations were literally all about Jesus.  I would only share with him the things that God was teaching and showing me through His Word. If he asked me about my day, I made sure to keep it factual sans the emotions. Nap is five years my senior so I was still calling him 'Kuya', which reminded me all the time that he is a brother in the Lord, not to be taken advantage of.

Pause.  Let me share the things that I significantly remember running though my thoughts that time:

I made sure I kept it that way the whole time we were friends, even as he went back to Canada for good.  My husband can definitely attest to that.  

The first confirmation the Lord stooped down to give me came in July of that year.  I had requested from the Lord that if Nap was truly the man I would marry in the future, that He would cause him to turn away from his backslidden life and return to Him as my birthday gift.  July came, and I could never forget that the night before my birthday, when my friends from Jesus Revolution took me to the place where I would be sleeping over, I received a text message from my friend in Cebu letting me know that Nap just got done with his deliverance session.  He was back with the Lord for good. My heart beat so fast that night, from shock that God actually did what I asked Him to, and from sudden realization that Nap was actually who I would be marrying in the future!

A year after I got the impression from the Lord, I received a vivid dream that was my strongest confirmation from the Lord before the final one. Mind you, in the course of waiting, I was still very much open to the thought that I heard wrong. I was exposed to a lot of young men around my age or a bit older who were also on fire for Jesus, who I could consider to be my 'possible future spouse'.  Although I had gotten a clear confirmation from the Lord, I had my own ideals that I could not easily let go.  I thought my future husband should also have a heart for Russia because at that time, my heart was weeping for Russia.  I wanted to be a missionary to Russia. I thought my husband should be running with Jesus Revolution too since I really expected to be in JRev for a long period of time, even after graduation.  However, as I began to seriously seek the Lord concerning my direction after graduation during my senior year, His plans started to unfold before my eyes in a way that was so different from what I had anticipated. My heart started to beat strong for the youth of Cebu.

Then in 2002, that same year I got the dream, a door was opened before me the summer before senior year to go to Germany.  Nap called me in the middle of the night, 2 days before our departure for Frankfurt.  I did not immediately recognize his voice as I was still groggy from sleep. I thought it was Luke from Germany, trying to check on my visa application, so when he finally told me it was him, I said, "Oh, hi Kuya Nap." To which, he replied ever so simply, "God, I miss you."  I couldn't believe what I just heard! My heart jumped into a million beats per second right there and then! For the first time since we became friends, I started feeling something for him!  I can never forget that phone call ever.  It was our first "real talk".  It was not the usual profound revelations from God.  It was simply about our day.  How our day went, what he did, how he felt, his raw emotions about missing everything in Cebu, and all.  For the first time, I felt like we talked heart-to-heart.

And that scared me. Like crazy.

Hi Reader-Friends, I am sharing with you my sister's note on marriage, which I believe holds a weight of truth.  As a matter of fact, if you go back to Genesis, God created Adam because it was "not good for man to be alone". So God created a helpmeet revealing to us what He meant when He said the word "alone".  It is not about the state of loneliness of man.  It is that God sought for Adam a "helper suitable for him".  By helper God meant a partner who would help him fulfill the mandate God gave him.

I like how my sister puts it: "When I was a young teacher in USC, I had announced in one of my classes that I would not only marry because I was in love but when I would marry, I would be thinking of a nation called the Philippines." 

I married because of such love ---- love for my husband and love for this nation.  He holds the same heartbeat too. There are even times that our hearts are more gripped with a violent love for this country in such a wavelength that exceeds our love for one another.  Interestingly, when our hearts beat passionately for the nation together, we find ourselves falling deeper in love with each other.  I believe that is the inherent potential and power found in a vision birthed by God.

To marry someone who does not beat for the same dream God has placed in your heart can lead you to a lifetime of many unnecessary frustrations, which you definitely don't need in your married life.  

So take heed, single ladies.  Look for the one whose heart beats for the same dream God has caused your heart to beat for.

Hi Friends! Today, as I was trying to prepare for my Mother's Day message, I happen to stumble upon this young man's blog.  Caleb Grimm is one of the members of the Christian pop band "Anthem Lights".  I love their song, Can't Get Over You.   I especially like Caleb's voice quality.  Anyhow, I thought I'd post his blog on this site for all the wannabe-wed ladies. :D  There is so much truth to what he says and seriously, reading his post almost has the exact feel to listening to my own husband's words.  He shares the same sentiments. Read and learn, young ladies. :D