Secret Treasures

About almost eleven years ago, I read a book that was popularly passed around in our youth group entitled "God Chasers" by Tommy Tenney.  I think it will remain to be a classic in the years to come. Every spiritually hungry Christian should look for this book and take the time to devour it. Before Mike Bickle's "Passion for Jesus", before Misty Edwards' songs of intimacy with God, there was the God Chasers. And everyone in the first batch of E4J (Extreme 4 Jesus) will shout "Amen!"

What does Tommy Tenney's unforgettable book got to do with being a young wife, or with the topic of marriage for that matter?  Well, there was this one particular chapter where Tommy wrote about Intimacy.  He said that the word Intimacy means "Into Me See".  This struck me deep.  I began to see my relationship with God in a whole new depth.  And this is where I take off with marriage.

Marriage is a beautiful picture of our intimacy with God, except for the physical or sexual aspect of it.  The whole idea of your relationship with your spouse is to depict the desired covenant relationship God wants to have with us.  It is an into-me-see kind of relationship.  You and your spouse should be the most transparent when you're with each other.  Your husband must be able to see and know who you are in the depths of your being, and still declare his love and acceptance of you, the way God does with us.  The same expectation is held for you towards your husband.  It is in that context of relationship that true love begins to stand out in the midst of all other acclaimed "love" around us, where one leaves his or her partner the moment they get disgusted with what they see.

The only way such vulnerability can take place is to create an environment in your marriage where each of you feels safe to be who you are, without fear of rejection, or judgment from the other.  This can be tough because of the dynamics of our fallen nature, but it is also not impossible when the Perfect Love Himself is the center of your marriage. 

I think that in all our going-eight-years of married life, vulnerability was the toughest state I had to learn to enter into.  I grew up with a habit of putting up a strong, invincible facade all the time.  I detested my weaknesses, so I never permitted anyone to see them lest they too would have the same reaction as I did or worse, use my weaknesses against me.  The sad part of this attempt to protect yourself is that when you prohibit your partner from seeing and knowing who you really are inside, you also prohibit yourself from receiving a deeper kind of love.  You have to take the risk, if you want your marriage to grow beyond superficiality.  Covenant leaves a lot of room for such kind of risks, and it is bittersweet, painful yet beautiful when you begin to step into the limelight and expose yourself vulnerably to your spouse...and instead of rejection, you receive forgiveness; instead of judgment, you receive a second chance.  It is such a powerful moment that it actually changes you. It melts the hardened old you, and creates a tender new you.

Of course, there were times when the ugly parts of me provoked the ugly parts of my husband to come out into the open too.  At that moment, we both looked like two boxing champs in the arena (well, at least I still felt like a champ!), the limelight shining brightly on each of us.  Every scar starkly visible, every cut openly exposed to each other. We would end up attacking each other's weak points, inducing ourselves to further pain.  But when Jesus, the Great Referee, calls for the end of Round 12, we still had to embrace one another, cry in pain, and choose --- amid all the bruises and bleeding wounds --- to forgive.  To give each other another chance at Love.

You would never know the depths of such love until you've really been into those depths of vulnerability.  You would also never come to such a place of openness, if you and your spouse do not understand covenant.

It will always remain an irony that along with Love comes pain, and that the proof of love is the extent of death you are willing to go through for the good of your beloved.  Just look at the Cross.

And for every wife, how much should you love your spouse? Just look at the Cross.  That much.

I got acquainted with Dr. Gary Smalley's works when my Dad purchased for me a book from a Booksale branch entitled "Love Is A Decision".  I was completely engrossed with the wisdom found in that book, and was pleasantly surprised to find him in the list of teachers in our video-based premarital counseling series called "So You're Getting Married".  

This topic is a must-read for both husband and wife.  The principles found here in his points are as applicable with the wives as they are with the husbands.  I hope you will not only enjoy reading this, but you will do your best to APPLY what you glean from it.

In a house, walls are necessary for the protection and safety of those who live within.  In a marriage, walls are oftentimes built by each individual spouse for the same purpose--- to "protect" oneself from the other.  For a time we may think it works for our good, but it will eventually ruin the relationship.  After all, your husband is not your nemesis, and living together with a perceived archenemy is bound to explode with collateral damage.

When God brought Eve to Adam, both were stark naked.  There is a significant point in their nakedness in that it is the ultimate picture of intimacy between God and man, and man to woman.  The nakedness is not so much about the physical absence of clothing as it is about being open and vulnerable, 'unprotected', if you may, to one another.  Sin brings in the "fig leaves" in any relationship and these leaves are what we use to cover ourselves.  In every marriage, this principle holds true.  Sin builds a wall in our relationship.   Pride keeps it up.

There is a way to break down the walls, and it is always easier to do so when they haven't yet gone too high.  Your tool for destroying the wall? Humility.  How does that look like?  

It looks like a sincere admission of fault (because it always takes two to tango and it takes two to fight).  It looks like a heartfelt apology for the wrongdoing done without pointing fingers, not even once.  It looks like a verbalized "I am sorry" and an open heart to receive a direct confrontation without being defensive.  When your husband tells you why he got upset with you, accept what he has to say without shifting the blame.  Do your best to see from his point of view and to gently explain your side.  If your insight is rejected, calm down and be ready to accept any fault misplaced on you.  Trust that the Lord will enlighten your spouse along the way.  In all cases, the bible verse holds true --- "His loving kindness leads us to repentance."  When we approach a conflict with humble kindness, when we choose to love despite being misunderstood, the heart of your husband --- no matter how hard it has become --- will be slowly broken.

Many couples choose to deal with walls by deliberately ignoring its existence.  They go through their married lives acting as if the walls are not there.  They can go on for days without talking to one another, or treat one another by mere diplomacy, and pretend that everything is back to normal.  These actions only reinforce the walls.  Denial does not address the issue and pretending an issue is not hanging above your marriage will only open unwanted doors to your relationship.  

Do not fall into this trap, young wives.  If you must, take him out on a nice date and treat him to a lovely dinner.  In a non-defensive atmosphere, begin by assuring your husband that you love him as much as you did the day you said your I do.  Then proceed to letting him know that you are aware there is an unsettled issue between the two of you.  Offer to be corrected by your spouse --- "Please correct me if I did something that pissed you off."  And in every accusation, try hard to acknowledge that each one may hold true to a certain degree.  Usually, the one that sees the plank in our eye best is the other party.  This is so that we are kept humble in our sight.  We all have our blind spots and the ones who usually witness it are the people closest to us.  We have to allow them to point out our blind spots.

Ladies, I would be the first to say it is not easy.  But the reason why I write these things is because I have done it --- all by the grace of God.  That last line is not meant for religious rhetoric, but is simply the truth of the matter.  There is grace when you humble yourself.  The Lord promised it so --- "He gives grace to the humble, but the proud He resists."  The moment you choose the way of humility, you open yourself to receive the grace of God.  All those actions will only go well when the grace of God is poured out.  He begins to take over every deed done by a humble heart.

If there must be a wall in your marriage, it should be that surrounding you and your husband --- guarding your relationship.  And the only way to strengthen that wall is to refuse to have any other wall in between.

Believe me, keeping that wall up is NEVER WORTH IT.  So kill that pride.

Ever heard of married women saying, "My husband does not satisfy me anymore" or, "My marriage is no longer satisfying"?

That is the most common faulty perspective young wives fall victim to.  They think marriage serves as a source of satisfaction in their life.  And so begins the vicious cycle of hopping from one relationship to another, yet still failing to find that ultimate gratification.  This is no different from people who hop from one job to another seeking for that one career that "satisfies" them. 

Notice how people can go at great lengths searching for fulfillment only to find it to be forever elusive? That temporal high which many assume to be the happiness they've pursued all their life is as temporary as its source.  It will always slip through your fingers.  This is because the peace you seek for is eternal by nature, hence the unending drive for it.  

Ladies, if you enter into marriage with this inherent search still unmet, you are bound for disappointment.  No man, no matter how rich, how handsome, how smart they are, can ever satisfy you the way you were meant to be filled.  That gnawing ache for delectation is reserved for a perfect source, which you can never find on the face of the earth among the fallen male species.  

A marriage that is satisfying is one that involves a husband and a wife who have both found contentment and joy in their own individual lives.  This is the only way they can mutually contribute to, rather than consume from, each other.  A very draining marriage is a result of two empty people trying to consume each other's happiness in order to be happy themselves.  When you do not have any other source, you will think the person you're married to is the well you can constantly draw from.  Endlessly consuming one another's life will end up draining each other.  Thus, a drained husband who can no longer drink in from his wife's fountain due to its ceaseless emptiness will begin to search for satisfaction from another 'possible source', or the other way around.

My marriage is as imperfect as everyone else's is.  But my husband and I are not left to our own imperfections, and this is where the satisfaction and happiness come from.  We each have found the Perfect Source that fills all our deep longings for happiness.  His name is Jesus.  He is the fountain that never runs dry.  He is the well that never goes empty.

There are times when Napoleon and I forget to drink from our Source, and that is when frustrations explode, disappointments overwhelm.  After the hurtful words have been spoken, the pain reminds us to return to our Ultimate Source.  When we do so, healing flows and then life is restored.  Now, we can give to each other because we have been filled.

I am reminded of the verse in Isaiah 54 that declares, 

"For your Maker is your husband, the Lord of hosts is His name; And your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel; He is called the God of the whole earth."

Do not make your husband out to be God.  He can never perfectly love you, but there is One who can.  He can never perfectly make you happy, but there is One who can.

His name is Jesus.  And when you call, He will answer.  

And He definitely satisfies.

Many of you have probably read my initial post on my previous site at Tumblr entitled "The Unromantic Husband and the Romantic Wife."  Honestly, I received quite some diverse reactions to it, which I choose not to disclose. Because of its controversial tendencies, I put it on private mode.  However, in my transition from one site to another (I actually transferred thrice --- from Tumblr, to Wordpress, and finally to Blogger) in my search for specific features, I lost the post.  

Hence, this is my attempt to re-write one of the same topic.  As much as I want to do the whole thing without changes, I cannot for the life of me, remember the words.  I decided then to change the title.